satire

/Tag: satire
12 July

For Immediate Release: Stanton COC Source Says Teachers Are Actually Rabbis

By |2019-07-15T08:40:07-06:00July 12th, 2019|Satire, Uncategorized|8 Comments

Stanton, Calif. - In a surprising move, an anonymous source in the Stanton Church of Christ said the Teachers and Main Teachers of Stanton affiliated congregations nationwide are planning to start referring to themselves as "Rabbis," the Pharisaic teachers in Jesus's day. The source says this change took decades to come about. "We started off referring to members who taught classes as 'teachers,' she said. "But we gradually elevated them from a position of honor to a position of authority. We then decided that every last decision in a member's life be made with the counsel of teachers. Underwear choices, vacation plans, whom you can marry, whether you can relocate your family...everything." She says because every congregation has a teacher, it also became necessary to distinguish [...]

14 June

Seven tips to draw closer to God

By |2019-04-11T06:17:46-06:00June 14th, 2017|Uncategorized|8 Comments

We all need some shortcuts to help us in our spirituality. It's a busy world, and those in the church have a busy life, with all the various church functions to attend. There's Sunday morning worship, Sunday afternoon fellowship, Sunday evening Bible class, Monday personal work, Tuesday midweek Bible study, Thursday nonmember class, the occasional Friday night fellowship, and don't forget last minute confessions and studying for Sunday on Saturday. Anything we can do to save Christians time in drawing closer to God, we're happy to help. Here's a list of our top seven things you can do to draw closer to God. Surely there's more, and as you think of them, please leave them in the comments. Seven tips to draw closer to God [...]

19 September

Breaking News: Only sin will be forbidden by the church

By |2019-04-11T02:09:10-06:00September 19th, 2013|Uncategorized|14 Comments

Spring Valley, Calif.  - In breaking news from the Spring Valley congregation, evangelist Gary Preman has announced that only sin will be forbidden by the church in the future. At the Labor Day Meeting 2013, Preman said "Our admonition is not to forbid anyone from doing anything, unless it's a sin." The author of the Stanton Church of Christ blog says that this is a significant change from past teachings of the church, which are largely based on 45 years of church tradition. "Church traditions and the opinions of church teachers are not properly called 'doctrines' in church nomenclature," according to the author of this blog, "but are called 'judgments.' So it remains to be seen if this new 'judgment' will work its way through [...]